“I ain’t Perfect.”

This blog entry is going to be a little personal. I would apologise for those that would find this kind of stuff boring, but what else did you expect other than personal stuff when you get onto my blog?

I have been having issues with my body for quite some time. I’ve almost always had an issue with my weight, and of course recently I’ve had issues with depression that have been diagnosed and worked on. Well, neither of them seem to have made any recent progress so I’m trying different ways of dealing with them this time.

My weight has always been an issue for me, apart from when I was doing a paper round and I was exercising hard for about an hour each day while earning next to nothing. When a certain someone (1 million Kinah, I know [it’s an inside joke]) says behind your back that you look like you’re “pregnant with triplets” it tends to stick, regardless of the source. I’ve been watching what I eat, and writing it down. That daily routine of checking my weight means that I’m constantly on it, though I am slipping just as regularly. Eventually it will stick, though without exercise I’ll constantly be fighting this battle. I don’t want to be fighting this forever, I want to get fit and in the last week and a half I have lost 11lbs. I reckon most of that was just weight from my stomach being a literal conveyer belt of food, but progress is progress.

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Arieluma, Friend

Returning to Aion wasn’t something that I planned on doing. To me, the game had served it’s purpose and in its latter stages sustained its wounds. I wanted to remember the good times I had with Aion, mostly pre 2.7 (The Coliseum Update) and leave it at that. I found the housing system to be a chore that was necessary to get an increase in potion sales, and I’d earned the best gear in the game (at that point) through a combination of crafting and fighting in the Coliseum. When Redh (the Cyrus Guildmaster) decided that he was going to try Aion, I was curious and decided to join in. A few hours later and we had a group of six or seven that were willing to pile in.

They had chosen a new server as a fresh start, since neither of them had brought their accounts under Gameforge EU’s ownership for varying reasons. I chose a Bard, and quickly became bored with it. I never told Redh that, but frankly it was a one-rotation pony that did a group MP restoration. Granted I only took it to level 27, but frankly the other classes at that level were so much more involved and developed.

We were speaking about server transfers (note: lol, transfers) when I said that all Redh and his wife had to do was email Gameforge, supply some information about the account and the characters, and they would at least have a chance at getting them back. Even Redh’s banned account (hacked to facilitate RMT and then banned) was reinstated, and Dia’s was ported over. So the three of us power-levelled our trio of fresh level 1s.

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It’s All In Your Head

A fortnight ago I took the last pill out of a snap pack, looked at it and realised that this would be the last time I had a crutch for my emotions. I was struck with both excitement and trepidation. I put the pill on my tongue, swallowed it and looked myself in the mirror. I thought to myself ‘That’s it, no more safety net’.

It took a lot of cajoling and ultimately a threat for me to actually reach out for help, and then reach out a second time. The first time things didn’t go as planned and I had been lost in the shuffle for both therapy and an evaluation for depression. The tipping point was my partner at the time essentially bartered our relationship for it, that she couldn’t be with me any longer with how I was, and honestly I couldn’t blame her.

I went into therapy and started taking the pills. I was given Citalopram, an anti-stress drug; the best way I can explain it is that it narrows out your emotional range. If emotions are a scale of one to ten, it felt like I was constantly in four to six. It worked but at the price of feeling any of the extremes. It’s similar to Prozium in the film Equilibrium, a film I highly recommend. The therapy was cognitive behaviour therapy, and despite what some say, if it works for you, then it works for you. Sometimes all you need is to look at yourself and talk about why things are how they are, and look at that as your starting point of change.

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VIDEO – I’m not dead.

“I’ll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree;
And become the best version of me.”

Dave from boyinaband is someone I subscribed to on YouTube back when I was still making videos, and didn’t have the self-defeating perfectionism that I have now. He disappeared for a year, to the day. He came back with this video, and while some of the lyrics are a little specific to him, there’s a whole lot in there that I wish I could have said, and some that I wish I could say right now.

Thank you, Dave. Thank you for saying the words I couldn’t.

Pokémon Go – Niantic is killing the Golden Goose

I was in quite early on Pokémon GO (if only GO stood for Global Offensive) as far as the craze in the UK; I was the first that I knew of to sideload the files needed onto my new Nexus phone and was playing along with everyone else. I had a moment of total nostalgia when my parents got me Blue and I was one of the ‘in kids’. More of that is in this entry but my point is that I was on the bleeding edge and learning with everyone else. We learned how to catch, how the gyms worked and until everyone else had it, I felt like I was part of a club. Yes, a very nerdy club, but an exclusive club all the same.

I was ecstatic when the game finally hit the UK, despite the servers still being more unstable than your typical psychiatric patient, everyone was talking about it. I’ll even admit that GO was the tipping point for me to upgrade my four year old Nexus 4 to a Nexus 6P.

Nintendo’s stock went up by 30% to the point where it’s company value was higher than Sony’s, this despite Nintendo only licencing the assets and such to Niantic, a company under Google/Alphabet’s umbrella that developed the AR game Ingress prior to taking on GO.

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