A Whole New Year

Last time I talked about a New Year, I was actually almost a month late. This time, I’m typing this a month early, and I’m going to begin by sharing a brief tale of today.

It’s almost the end of November. I have a day off from work and I’m up at 4am because I can’t sleep; my job gets me up at an early enough hour regularly enough that I can’t sleep after 5am. It’s alright though, I take an afternoon nap to make up for it. It’s raining outside, and the weather is looking incredibly bad for riding my motorcycle to my parents home. 40mph winds and heavy rain are not a good combination. I honestly doubt I’ll be going there this afternoon. It’s been almost two weeks since I saw them last, and they live less than twenty minutes away.

My plan for today is like most days; do what needs to be done. Sometimes I forget to take my anti-depressant. Oh well, I’ll be fine. The whiteboard that I told myself I’d use to keep track of things has been empty for the last week and a half. I told myself I’d start going to the gym on my week off so I could be more used to it when I went back to work, and continue on my days off; lol nope.

My day will most likely consist of ignoring the kitchen and sitting at my computer. Probably alternating between playing Nosgoth and watching Youtube videos between glasses of Pepsi Diet, and then crawling off to bed at 8pm so I can crawl out of bed having had seven hours sleep before work.

This is almost every day now.

The only difference between now and the end of 2014 is that I’m now living on my own. I live in an apartment and I’m living independently; I pay my bills and I live my life. That is something I can be proud of. But this year, it’s the only thing I can be proud of. I stopped going to the gym, and I put weight on. I’m still on the anti-depressants and sometimes I’m so mentally scattered that I go two or three days without taking them; looking at my prescription I go over 30% on my renewal period regularly. I’ve still not passed my motorcycle test so I still have the ‘L’ plates on my bike and I’ve been riding for three and a half years now.

Frankly, the problem is that I take no pride in myself. A good chunk of the people I meet think I’m arrogant, and in certain topics they’re right. I was proud of my mind, but then the anti-depressants, as key as they were to getting me through a tough time, took that from me as well. I’ve not been proud of my body in a long time, and honestly I’ve caught myself longing for the days when I was on my paper round, was in good shape, had goals in school. Hell, I was even somewhat social.

So this year, I’m putting my New Years Resolution into four words:

Take Pride, Take Care

It almost reeks of some PR stunt, doesn’t it? The reason why I want to make it so vague is to make sure that I can apply it to as many aspects of my life as I can. I want to take that pride so I can have pride in myself. I want to take care of myself so I can, if nothing less, feel good about myself.

Of course, I want goals for the year too. I need them because I’m goal oriented and keeping my eyes on that goal getting closer brings me enjoyment. Those are equally as simple:

  • Be thinner and lighter at the end of 2016 than I will be at the end of 2015.
  • No longer be taking, or be on a lower dosage, of anti-depressant.
  • Do at least five social activities a month.
  • Pass a bike test. Can be A1, A2 or A.

Hopefully I can come back this time next year and say that I achieved all of these. I would also love to come back and say I got a promotion to Section Leader, but that’s a hope. I still need to grovel for missing the last session and get signed off.

Here’s to a brighter year than last.

1 Comment A Whole New Year

  1. Redh

    Hey mate,

    You’ve gone through some significant changes this year, and as you said you should be proud of this. Living inside your own bubble makes you only see the worst side of yourself, but looking from the outside you are holding things together better than I have at several points in my life.

    Anti-depressants – I’ve been on every type, some have given me terrible side effects, and one even put me in hospital. I’ve never felt better for taking them, only lost my clarity of mind and felt like sleeping.

    Good luck, and keep fighting. The worst thing you can do is stop, as its so hard to start up again.


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