It’s All In Your Head

A fortnight ago I took the last pill out of a snap pack, looked at it and realised that this would be the last time I had a crutch for my emotions. I was struck with both excitement and trepidation. I put the pill on my tongue, swallowed it and looked myself in the mirror. I thought to myself ‘That’s it, no more safety net’.

It took a lot of cajoling and ultimately a threat for me to actually reach out for help, and then reach out a second time. The first time things didn’t go as planned and I had been lost in the shuffle for both therapy and an evaluation for depression. The tipping point was my partner at the time essentially bartered our relationship for it, that she couldn’t be with me any longer with how I was, and honestly I couldn’t blame her.

I went into therapy and started taking the pills. I was given Citalopram, an anti-stress drug; the best way I can explain it is that it narrows out your emotional range. If emotions are a scale of one to ten, it felt like I was constantly in four to six. It worked but at the price of feeling any of the extremes. It’s similar to Prozium in the film Equilibrium, a film I highly recommend. The therapy was cognitive behaviour therapy, and despite what some say, if it works for you, then it works for you. Sometimes all you need is to look at yourself and talk about why things are how they are, and look at that as your starting point of change.

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VIDEO – I’m not dead.

“I’ll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree;
And become the best version of me.”

Dave from boyinaband is someone I subscribed to on YouTube back when I was still making videos, and didn’t have the self-defeating perfectionism that I have now. He disappeared for a year, to the day. He came back with this video, and while some of the lyrics are a little specific to him, there’s a whole lot in there that I wish I could have said, and some that I wish I could say right now.

Thank you, Dave. Thank you for saying the words I couldn’t.

Pokémon Go – Niantic is killing the Golden Goose

I was in quite early on Pokémon GO (if only GO stood for Global Offensive) as far as the craze in the UK; I was the first that I knew of to sideload the files needed onto my new Nexus phone and was playing along with everyone else. I had a moment of total nostalgia when my parents got me Blue and I was one of the ‘in kids’. More of that is in this entry but my point is that I was on the bleeding edge and learning with everyone else. We learned how to catch, how the gyms worked and until everyone else had it, I felt like I was part of a club. Yes, a very nerdy club, but an exclusive club all the same.

I was ecstatic when the game finally hit the UK, despite the servers still being more unstable than your typical psychiatric patient, everyone was talking about it. I’ll even admit that GO was the tipping point for me to upgrade my four year old Nexus 4 to a Nexus 6P.

Nintendo’s stock went up by 30% to the point where it’s company value was higher than Sony’s, this despite Nintendo only licencing the assets and such to Niantic, a company under Google/Alphabet’s umbrella that developed the AR game Ingress prior to taking on GO.

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