Here is Where I Stand

It’s been a long month. A long month. Each and every day has felt almost painfully long. I felt like I had almost lost my job, I’ve had the first full blown anxiety attack in two years, and I may have also lost an opportunity at furthering my career. I feel like I’m lost, and I feel like I’m listing. I feel less like I’m at a crossroads, more that I am adrift in the Dead Sea.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been without a goal. For the last three years or so, my goal was singular and no matter how I drifted from that goal, somewhere deep in my being I kept moving forward with it. I kept pursuing it whether out of stubbornness and refusal to admit defeat, or hope that I’d actually make something of the new life I was striving towards. Those that are near me know what it is, know the ins and outs of it, and know that while I was far from the only one at fault (the other party admits this), I have my own weight to bear in it and bear it I shall.

I’ve kept this whole thing private; I’ve never said anything public to anyone and I am proud of that. Friends that I thought weren’t anymore have come to me and asked me why I didn’t come out swinging like the other person involved, and others have asked what was going on because all they heard was one side of the story. I stayed respectful, and in my opinion, that respect wasn’t returned, and that is the only slight I will give that person. I fully expect her to read this and act as she has done in the past, and in putting this up I expose myself to that. You know what? You kick a man when he’s down and searching for a wall to brace against, what does that make you? I’ve gained friends over this, and the one friendship I thought was at risk I managed to save. No matter how righteously a fire burns, it still warns people to keep their distance. I feel I’m not the one that needs to learn that lesson.

Anyway, that is the past, and she has her future, so I must craft my own. I’m hopefully going to be moving into a new flat by the end of next month. It’s a little further away from work, a little closer to home and some of the places I’ve deserted while being where I am now. It’s a lot bigger, has a full bathroom and kitchen, and a hallway that rivals my current lounge. It’s only £20 a month more, so it’s a steal in my opinion. Only problem is that I chose that flat for the both of us, so I need to stare it down and decide whether I can live there on my own. If not, I’ve lost £120, and I stay here. If so, I’m moving. There’s a gym nearby that is associated with the gym that I went to before I moved out of my parents home so I’ll be going there. I need to get fit and this apartment-come-pod is not good for that.

I’m finally pursuing my full motorcycle licence, much to Dad’s approval. I want to be able to ride something bigger than a 125cc. Though the first thing that they had us ride on was a Yamaha 125 and I felt like I was on a bike with monkey bars because I’m used to a sports bike. We’re riding 650cc already, and after my first lesson my instructor wants me on the road. If it was scary when I first got on that bike, I fully expect to be on the side of the road at least sometime on that ride. But what’ll happen will happen, and I’m looking forward to the day when I take off my Learner plates. Dad’s talking about me riding his bike on occasion. I said that I would never touch it; the amount of time he puts into that bike and the amount of love he shows it when he has to work on it has no rival.

I think I’m going to get a pet if I move into that new flat. Thinking an old, curmudgeon-y cat that just wants to laze in front of a huge window and occasionally have a fuss. I’m pretty sure I need company, and that is at the root of half my issues. Will I turn into a crazy cat lady man? No, but being so isolated has dulled who I am both as a person and what I feel I can offer to my friends and family.

I’m still at that point where almost everything reminds me of her, or I can relate to her. It stings, but the sting is becoming less noticeable as the days go by. I can’t listen to certain songs or music yet, though I guess that’s normal. Mentally I’m still messed up. My friends are holding me up and I can’t be more thankful for that. Soon enough my foundations will be solid again, and I hope that one day I can return their kindness should they ever need it, though I hope equally that they will never need such a thing.

1 Comment Here is Where I Stand

  1. Pingback: Once More Unto the Breach | KAECY/dot/US

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