Self-Right the Self-Write

It’s been at least two months since I last posted and I would love to come back and declare that I have been doing so much in terms of career progression and pursuing hobbies that I just haven’t had a spare moment or three to sit down and write about it. That (of course) isn’t the case, and it’s moreso my introversive attitude, and my lack of drive.

I find myself writing more than I should about it; my lack of passion or drive to do things. It must get boring to anyone that actually reads these blog entries to see it constantly referred to. It’s just one of those things that is who I am, and no amount of therapy is going to change that. My passion is in bursts, and if I can’t bury myself in it for long periods of time I don’t progress.

Taking the Youtube video that I made as an example (Patreon Canary), that was a week’s solid work of five or six hours a day, at a time when I should’ve been relaxing. Learning how to use Sony Vegas, scripting, researching, and even capturing footage. I am frankly amazed that people can do that sort of a video in a couple of days, and bow down to their work ethic. I will go back to it eventually, but there are other things on the horizon, which I’ll get back to later.

Another reason that I haven’t blogged in the past couple of months is something that has taken place at work. I’m not going to go into the details of it, but I will say that it was something that was brought into the public eye, and my comments about it made the rounds both in terms of colleagues and management. Thus, it was painfully obvious that, from that point on, I was being watched. I don’t use my blog for work matters and I wouldn’t in the future either. It’s not only stupid, it’s unproductive. But I was aware that because of one slip up on social media I was being watched. Thus I stayed quiet.

Going back to things on the horizon, I am taking a week off work to do the first part of my Motorcycle practical test. In the UK we have two modules to complete; one off-road (Mod 1) with relatively slow control of the bike and demonstration of manouvers in a safe environment, and an on-road (Mod 2) examination of road sense and control at ‘normal’ speeds, both of which can only be done after a Theory test. I did the theory test last year, and then had an incident which took my confidence for being on a bigger bike. Hopefully I’ll be looking a certificate in a couple of weeks.

In addition, I’ve upgraded my microphone setup since I last wrote in here. I grabbed a 1st Gen Focusrite Scarlett 2i2 Studio bundle that was on clearance with my bonus. I also bought an Elgato Stream Deck. It’s a rather specialised piece of equipment, but has generalised uses. It can be used as a keypad for shortcuts in applications and games, as well as it’s use as streamer’s control board. Having seen the things that the Stream Deck can do, my perfectionism is kicking in that I want a full set of customised buttons set up just for me, rather than just streaming and doing what I can as I go along.

And then we’re back to square one. Perfectionism coupled with a tumultuous and intermittent drive is lethal to any kind of creativity, and any words I write here almost sound like a cry for help. They’re not. This isn’t a livejournal or a facebook post in a group that’s a cry for attention. It’s a reference point in who I am and where I am at. I am making progress. Slow, steady progress.

1 Comment Self-Right the Self-Write

  1. Redh

    Expectations from yourself or others can be crippling at times, and can get in the way of even trying things. But don’t be afraid of failure – it can be completely liberating.

    Once you realise that even if you fail most people won’t notice or care, and those who do are usually supportive and helpful, you are free to do what you truly want to do in life.

    Success is earned by how you deal with failure. Nobody gets there first time, and if they did how boring and unfulfilling would it be?

    Learn to do what you want, don’t worry about the outcome, and don’t worry about whether you did it perfectly or not. At the very least you will enjoy life more, and potentially you could even end up… gulp… HAPPY!


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