It’s been about three months since I last wrote anything on here publicly. While I do have some things written in Draft form, I either decided they weren’t worth investing any more time in, or they weren’t up to whatever I consider a standard. Whether that is a good or bad thing is up to the people that read(!)
My point is that there are reasons why I stop. I used to write entries twice a week when I was younger, and we’re not talking about LiveJournal or tumblr-esque diatribes that show very little insight on anything but the minutia of one’s day-to-day. It was about serious stuff, and I wrote for several sites as well, all of them gaming enthusiast press sites. I do miss those times, but at the same time I am glad they are behind me.
But more than that, this is me trying to explain my absences in as succinct a manner as I can. If a level of introspection doesn’t interest you, then by all means click elsewhere!
Down in the Dumps
My mood fluctuates, especially in winter. I probably should be on medication for it for the low-end of things, but if I did I would be sacrificing it for the emotional highs, and I’m no longer willing to do that. There was a point where the trade was even, or perhaps heavy in my favour, but that time has passed and I’m not willing to lose what I consider myself to a daily intake of something that is designed to alter my brain chemistry. I am me, and becoming the best version of me is one of the major parts of life.
This gets better during summer, but the best of me goes into my work in the winter and early spring. Given that we had snow at the start of April, this cold period was particularly long. But usually when it is cold, so am I, and not in the literal sense.
My Life is Boring (Mostly)
My life is a lot less interesting now than it was back in times of yore. I have less free time now; I still do not really have a full-time job, though by legal definition I do. I used to travel to the States (more often than I should have), and I lived with my parents for the first score and six years of my life. I moved out, settled down away from my parents, and realised how much time and money I had ultimately wasted on fruitless endeavours, both in financial and emotional terms.
I don’t necessarily do much or get involved in much anymore. I am, for all intents and purposes, one of a million as supposed to one in a million. I’m accepting of that, that I have to pay bills and go to work in order to live. That freedom from responsibility is gone, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy having responsibilities and following through on them. I have my four pillars that balance my life out. I am happy, and being happy is not necessarily worth writing about, unless that happiness is from something interesting.
There are things that I want to talk about, things that mean a lot to me. But I can’t, for fear of getting a visit from the police. When someone can be convicted of a hate-crime for a joke, or arrested for carrying a literal butter knife, you know things are wrong. But couple that with the current climate of hate-speech laws overpowering the right to have a discussion about a potentially offending topic, and I’m not comfortable talking about it.
I would love to talk about these topics on here, and make this blog worth something thinking about, but I can’t without potentially doing some massive damage to my life. I’m not in a position to do that and walk away (relatively) unscathed. Thus, I must keep quiet, at least for the moment.
Smaller Online Presence
As I mentioned before, I used to write a lot online. I was getting weekly hits in the thousands across my more popular pieces that were unique in scope, though more by coincidence than planning. I used to have a website to write for, a blog for myself, a YouTube Channel, a Twitch Channel, along with Twitter (back when you used twitpic because twitter didn’t deal with images), and several forums that I posted to often. At one point I had a thousand-per-day listens to a fan podcast for six months in 2010. Most of that is gone now, because the time I had to devote for that is gone, too.
I made the choice to admit to myself that all the time I spent online creating was because I was neglecting or abandoning the physical world around me. That was evident in the state of my person and the environment around me. I detached myself from my friends to the point where they all moved on, and I had my back turned as they did so, and turned around to wonder where they had gone.
The result? I spend more time offline and I have a healthier mind for it. I still watch YouTube videos (when I can find them in my subscriptions) and I still keep up on social media but beyond that and some spirited discussion on a few Discord servers I use my PC for gaming and that’s about it. I get out more; my Sundays are almost entirely spent with spending time with people for one reason or another, and I deliberately make efforts to spend time with my parents. I wasn’t that guy a few years ago. I suppose it is part of growing up.
So What Next?
I know for a fact I’m going to be writing about BattleTech. It’s out in two weeks, and I’m itching to get hold of it. Beyond that I’m unsure. But half the fun of being alive is making things happen that you didn’t expect to do.
I have this fancy for taking out my motorcycle for a bit of a trip around the country if I can figure out where to go in summer. I’m looking at panniers for storage at the moment, and a new rucksack as mine is on its last legs. Oh, I forgot to mention that, didn’t I? I picked up a new motorcycle a couple of weeks ago.
My point in writing all of this, is that my life has become fulfilling to myself. I’m not going around the world anymore, and I’m not going to videogame expos (at least as press), and I’m not getting into the new online hotness or fad purely to give myself something to talk about online. I no longer garner exposure and reputation for a career that I ultimately didn’t pursue when the moment was right.
I’m no longer trying to force being an interesting person, or provoking responses from people just to get a response. I stopped being an eccentric, egotistical twenty-something that acts like an attention whore because other people’s opinions of me are what fulfils me.
I chose a different path. I’m pursuing my own interests, with my own desires, and becoming my own man as opposed to what I thought those around me would want me to be. In that, I stand taller, and stronger, because the value of my life comes from what I do, not how others perceive me.