I’m not one for getting personal on this blog, honestly. Opinions? I’ve got a thousand of them per subject and more than happy to share them with anyone that is willing to listen. Opening myself up online, despite being considered an over-sharer from time to time, is difficult. I legitimately dislike posting anything close to home outside of my hobbies but I felt like this needed to be said, or written down at least.
There are people on this planet of ours that fit so close into your life within a few weeks you wonder what you did without them. The smallest thing about them becomes a point of fascination; something you have to learn about and understand otherwise you feel like you’re missing out. Their absence is deafening even when in their presence there was mostly silence because words weren’t needed to be said.
I met one of those people. She kept me together when I was just wanting to keep going as if nothing had happened, and was there for me when I was ready to stop and look back at the wake I had made. When she told me that it was going to be alright, I believed it. I had no reason to, but I had this gut instinct to trust her. I even trusted her all the way to her not-so-local airport.
I’m not going to tread lightly here; this is not the first time I thought I had found love, only to meet someone that I didn’t know; the flaws on show that they had so desperately tried to hide, or a side of them that I had never seen. This woman had nothing to hide, so when I saw her for the first time, I had a smile on my face. That smile never truly left me until I boarded the plane to Newark two weeks later.
I slept in her bed, sat cross-legged on her carpet at four in the morning and watched her sleep in-between Netflix movies because my mind was that addled by not only the time difference but also my sleep pattern due to work. She said there are days when she can’t get out of bed, I say that makes for more cuddle time (because we’re five years old).
I’m far from an easy man to love. I’m arrogant, I can be extremely dismissive. I can be cold, distant, and appear apathetic. I am somewhat OCD and just love to have things done my way because I believe that my way is the only right way. I take the weight of a situation on my own back and refuse to share the load because I don’t want others to hurt themselves when I claim that I can take it.
I’m just rambling on, so I’ll leave this thought here.
Three days after I flew back, I woke up in my bed and realised that this isn’t where I want to be now. I want to be with her. And that notion is both terrifying and thrilling.