“I ain’t Perfect.”

This blog entry is going to be a little personal. I would apologise for those that would find this kind of stuff boring, but what else did you expect other than personal stuff when you get onto my blog?

I have been having issues with my body for quite some time. I’ve almost always had an issue with my weight, and of course recently I’ve had issues with depression that have been diagnosed and worked on. Well, neither of them seem to have made any recent progress so I’m trying different ways of dealing with them this time.

My weight has always been an issue for me, apart from when I was doing a paper round and I was exercising hard for about an hour each day while earning next to nothing. When a certain someone (1 million Kinah, I know [it’s an inside joke]) says behind your back that you look like you’re “pregnant with triplets” it tends to stick, regardless of the source. I’ve been watching what I eat, and writing it down. That daily routine of checking my weight means that I’m constantly on it, though I am slipping just as regularly. Eventually it will stick, though without exercise I’ll constantly be fighting this battle. I don’t want to be fighting this forever, I want to get fit and in the last week and a half I have lost 11lbs. I reckon most of that was just weight from my stomach being a literal conveyer belt of food, but progress is progress.

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It’s All In Your Head

A fortnight ago I took the last pill out of a snap pack, looked at it and realised that this would be the last time I had a crutch for my emotions. I was struck with both excitement and trepidation. I put the pill on my tongue, swallowed it and looked myself in the mirror. I thought to myself ‘That’s it, no more safety net’.

It took a lot of cajoling and ultimately a threat for me to actually reach out for help, and then reach out a second time. The first time things didn’t go as planned and I had been lost in the shuffle for both therapy and an evaluation for depression. The tipping point was my partner at the time essentially bartered our relationship for it, that she couldn’t be with me any longer with how I was, and honestly I couldn’t blame her.

I went into therapy and started taking the pills. I was given Citalopram, an anti-stress drug; the best way I can explain it is that it narrows out your emotional range. If emotions are a scale of one to ten, it felt like I was constantly in four to six. It worked but at the price of feeling any of the extremes. It’s similar to Prozium in the film Equilibrium, a film I highly recommend. The therapy was cognitive behaviour therapy, and despite what some say, if it works for you, then it works for you. Sometimes all you need is to look at yourself and talk about why things are how they are, and look at that as your starting point of change.

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VIDEO – I’m not dead.

“I’ll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree;
And become the best version of me.”

Dave from boyinaband is someone I subscribed to on YouTube back when I was still making videos, and didn’t have the self-defeating perfectionism that I have now. He disappeared for a year, to the day. He came back with this video, and while some of the lyrics are a little specific to him, there’s a whole lot in there that I wish I could have said, and some that I wish I could say right now.

Thank you, Dave. Thank you for saying the words I couldn’t.

VIDEO – Cyrus Gaming – Join the Club!

“You’re injured? Good! I like it when you’re injured!” – Caellin

I’ve been on-and-off with Cyrus since September 2009, and am now (it seems) one of it’s most senior members in terms of time passed since being initially recruited. I don’t know what that says about me; something about an abused spouse comes to mind… jk.

On a serious note, these guys have been around for a long time in MMOs. They started out as Exodus in Warhammer Online, then became Cyrus. I met them a month after Aion launched, and aside from a couple of hiccups where I couldn’t take a joke it was a good time until I boxed myself into a corner and learned one rule about a Guild Leader, or in Aion’s terminology, a Legionmaster: The Legionmaster is always right. Even when you think he is wrong, he is right. Why? Because you put yourself in a situation that means you only have one option; leave. As Redh reminded me when I talked about it afterwards, Guilds are never a democracy and undermining his leadership gave him no choice.

I went back to try RIFT, but honestly it wasn’t my thing. And WoW was only good with someone else, and the challenge wasn’t there. I didn’t return fully until last year when out of the blue I got an email from Redh asking if I wanted to join in preparation for Camelot Unchained.

Fast forward to today (well, a few weeks ago), and Nostrau has put together an awesome recruitment video for our casual, team-building nights while we wait for CU to go live. This post is obviously to put that video out there, and to recommend that if you have any desire to play Camelot Unchained that you at least check out the guild site. But, it’s also as a thank you to them for keeping me afloat recently, and for Redh and Diabolique (had to specify there!) for listening to me and putting up with an emotional mess that just moped on the sofa all day.

Hope when the game drops that I’m worth keeping around. : P

Once More Unto the Breach

So, here we go again on the moving wagon. I mentioned in my last post that I was seeing a flat and that while it was originally thought of as a place for two as opposed to one, I saw it and I still liked it. Of course my parents wanted to see, so they both came along to the second viewing. Learned a few bits in regards to getting my deposit back from my current landlord, and honestly it should be a breeze if everything goes well. I’ve had a couple of viewings in this place and they’ve not gone as well as the letting agency hoped; too small is the consensus, and I agree. It was a great place to get started but I’ve outgrown it. Today I begin packing, and on Friday I pick the keys up.

There’s a lot more to follow up on this time and I’m sure I’ll forget some of it. Utilities, the ever-punctual council tax, all the stuff for my bike (they may cancel my policy again like they did last time when I moved), but I’m also looking at it as finding a happy medium between what I did when I was at home, and what I do now I’m out on my own. I pretty much left my D&D group with very little notice, and while I know Guy will happily put me back in because I tried to help with what knowledge I had, I still feel somewhat guilty for just upping and leaving. There’s that and I need to finish my RC car and actually start racing it. The lack of space here has made building it almost impossible. Couple that with not wanting to damage it and it’s still on the shelving.

This is a way of shedding most memories from living in this place, because honestly a good chunk of them are no longer worth keeping. I have plans to go see part of Europe in a couple of months (give or take), and I need to regain a sense of perspective by the time I return. Call me selfish, but right now, this life is mine and mine to choose whom to share it with. A friend told me that we’ve got eighty or so years on this earth and a good many more buried under it. Time to start making the years count.