And So Ends 2017…

…I’m usually fashionably late for these. My job usually doubles the workload during the festive time, so I always end up spending the last few days winding down, and spending time with a controller in my hand as opposed to a keyboard. This year’s end and the first few days of the new year have been particularly taxing, but that’s for another time and a different circumstance; I’m OK. I’m going to have to ask Dad to wear a mask when he’s ill and I’m around next time (joke!), but I’m OK. Just a rough throat, and difficulties speaking above a rasp.

In 2017 I had been trying to undo the damage that I caused the past couple of years since moving out of my parents place. I became insular, and suffered because of it. Put some weight on, let my demons begin to get the better of me (given that I haven’t been on anti-depressants for more than a year), and had neighbour issues that at one point had me feeling like moving out of my current flat and moving back into my old block since one had opened again.

But on the other side of the ledger I’d started rolling back some of those problem behaviours, and my neighbours are no longer there; though they did try to do a metaphorical comeback tour, so to speak. Right now the place is vacant, and from all accounts, heavily damaged.

Let’s take a moment to look at the resolutions I set in 2017, and compare to where I am now.
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“He [is] my friend.”

I’m a part of Cyrus Gaming, in case you didn’t know ([/sarcasm]). We’re a guild that has been around in one form or another since March 2009. I joined on the 4th of October 2009 when I was in Aion, and stayed for almost a year before I learned a hard lesson from Redh, Cyrus’ leader. Long story short, after a while of bouncing back and forth, I came back in 2015 to stay when I finally realised that it was my home when gaming in a group, and nothing I could say or do would change that.

So, when he comes at me a couple of days ago, saying that he’s ‘loving the new [me]’ and that ‘It reminds [him] of the old [me]’, I was taken aback. I didn’t think I’d done anything different than usual. But then I thought about it, and realised I had been doing more, and not thinking about it.

Most of my life in the past couple of years has been passive outside of work, and that might be down to the way I prioritised my life. My life was work because I took pride in it, and thus it was what I wanted to focus on as it was the only part of my life that I did take pride in. And therein lied the problem; I was proud of the work that I had put into something that achieved nothing for me, and everything for someone else. Don’t misunderstand me – I like my work, and I like the people I work with; they’re akin to family to me, and each time one of them moves on I’m happy for them but it’s bittersweet.

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Vroom Vroom…

I know that I haven’t posted anything of meaning in the last couple of weeks, or posted any stream archives in the last week and a half. All I can do is apologise for that, but I also want to talk about what will happen to the archives in future. Foxhole will no longer be archived on Youtube, purely because, in my opinion, there’s no storyline to it bar the setting and precursive history/events. I’m more than happy to keep the videos up on Twitch as long as the system allows me to, but in future, and in the batch of entries I’ll be putting up on here over the weekend, I’ll only be putting up the playthrough videos (i.e. the current playthrough of Vampire: The Masquerade, and Stonekeep). I’ll also be fooling around with the way the streams are put on the website as well; thinking of doing a page per game rather than a page per stream.

But, I wanted to explain why I’ve not been streaming at all since Monday. On Monday, my 2009 Razer Naga died (RIP), and I didn’t get a replacement until the following morning, and then I was experiencing computer issues, somehow getting conflicting drivers crashing the computer with the OS receiving unexpected input from what it thought was the old Naga. Long story short, it’s sorted now.

From Wednesday to Friday I was busy with lessons to pass my motorcycle test and get an ‘A’ or unrestricted licence. Twelve hours altogether, excluding the examination itself and the ride home. I was wary, purely because I didn’t think I was ready. My gear changes were still somewhat jumpy, and my clutch control was sometimes a little off on tighter bends.

I passed, and am now waiting for the DVLA to renew my licence with the new entitlements and remove the restrictions on it. I was aware of the three minor marks that I had, and knew why I got them, but beyond that it was a good ride. I need to lean more, but that’s down to spending five years on a 125cc with tyres that feel like a knife’s edge (in a good way), going up to a 650cc with tyres twice as thick. My plan is to ride my CBR125 until the MOT and tax are due, renew the MOT so it has a full year’s worth, and use the interim to build up funds for a bigger motorcycle. I don’t see the point in transitioning straight away, because I don’t need the power that a larger bike has just yet.

That’s one of my resolutions for this year done. I’m easily on track to pass the other two, so long as I don’t relapse. I think this’ll be the first time since starting this blog that I actually meet and beat all my resolutions.

Feels good, man.

Self-Right the Self-Write

It’s been at least two months since I last posted and I would love to come back and declare that I have been doing so much in terms of career progression and pursuing hobbies that I just haven’t had a spare moment or three to sit down and write about it. That (of course) isn’t the case, and it’s moreso my introversive attitude, and my lack of drive.

I find myself writing more than I should about it; my lack of passion or drive to do things. It must get boring to anyone that actually reads these blog entries to see it constantly referred to. It’s just one of those things that is who I am, and no amount of therapy is going to change that. My passion is in bursts, and if I can’t bury myself in it for long periods of time I don’t progress.

Taking the Youtube video that I made as an example (Patreon Canary), that was a week’s solid work of five or six hours a day, at a time when I should’ve been relaxing. Learning how to use Sony Vegas, scripting, researching, and even capturing footage. I am frankly amazed that people can do that sort of a video in a couple of days, and bow down to their work ethic. I will go back to it eventually, but there are other things on the horizon, which I’ll get back to later.

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Some Time Later…

I’m always quiet in the early months of the year, it seems. It doesn’t help that I try and bury myself in the work that I do, or just end up curling up in my flat on the weeks that I have off. I’m terrible for taking regular holiday, so I end up with almost a month of time for me to take and I end up taking it all off before April hits. It also means that my creativity takes a backseat as well.

This year seems particularly bad when it comes to this, but this is the first winter that I have been off my antidepressants. Couple that with not being able to enjoy my motorcycle thanks to the temperatures, I get very unenthusiastic with a lot of things. I think my friends are picking up on that but they haven’t said anything. The weather is warming up, and I hope that since I’m not working Sundays again for a bit that I will be able to go out and just ride again. I use my motorcycle as a way to block out everything else in the world and focus on the road; it was therapeutic and helped me. It wouldn’t hurt to gain some of my confidence back, either.

Cyrus has been helping, with us delving into Conan: Exiles on our private server. Redh is probably going to tweak some of the XP requirements today if there’s no objections. For me, it means that levelling will be a steady pace even though I’m about halfway through the levels now. Having bought ARK through Humble Monthly, but never really able to sit down and enjoy it because I didn’t ‘get’ it, Conan was the first in a new genre to me (aside from Minecraft), and playing it on the new PC is awesome. Most of the games that I was playing before it were optimised for less powerful specs as well as top-end machines so I didn’t really see the benefit, like Warframe or Rocket League. But Conan puts my PC through it’s paces and the end result is gorgeous. It, along with DOOM, has sold me on the fact that I made the right decision in getting a high-end machine. I also put the SSD from my old machine into the new one to give it more space for games. I remember when 250MB was enough, let alone 250GB!

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