It’s All In Your Head

A fortnight ago I took the last pill out of a snap pack, looked at it and realised that this would be the last time I had a crutch for my emotions. I was struck with both excitement and trepidation. I put the pill on my tongue, swallowed it and looked myself in the mirror. I thought to myself ‘That’s it, no more safety net’.

It took a lot of cajoling and ultimately a threat for me to actually reach out for help, and then reach out a second time. The first time things didn’t go as planned and I had been lost in the shuffle for both therapy and an evaluation for depression. The tipping point was my partner at the time essentially bartered our relationship for it, that she couldn’t be with me any longer with how I was, and honestly I couldn’t blame her.

I went into therapy and started taking the pills. I was given Citalopram, an anti-stress drug; the best way I can explain it is that it narrows out your emotional range. If emotions are a scale of one to ten, it felt like I was constantly in four to six. It worked but at the price of feeling any of the extremes. It’s similar to Prozium in the film Equilibrium, a film I highly recommend. The therapy was cognitive behaviour therapy, and despite what some say, if it works for you, then it works for you. Sometimes all you need is to look at yourself and talk about why things are how they are, and look at that as your starting point of change.

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VIDEO – I’m not dead.

“I’ll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree;
And become the best version of me.”

Dave from boyinaband is someone I subscribed to on YouTube back when I was still making videos, and didn’t have the self-defeating perfectionism that I have now. He disappeared for a year, to the day. He came back with this video, and while some of the lyrics are a little specific to him, there’s a whole lot in there that I wish I could have said, and some that I wish I could say right now.

Thank you, Dave. Thank you for saying the words I couldn’t.

VIDEO – Cyrus Gaming – Join the Club!

“You’re injured? Good! I like it when you’re injured!” – Caellin

I’ve been on-and-off with Cyrus since September 2009, and am now (it seems) one of it’s most senior members in terms of time passed since being initially recruited. I don’t know what that says about me; something about an abused spouse comes to mind… jk.

On a serious note, these guys have been around for a long time in MMOs. They started out as Exodus in Warhammer Online, then became Cyrus. I met them a month after Aion launched, and aside from a couple of hiccups where I couldn’t take a joke it was a good time until I boxed myself into a corner and learned one rule about a Guild Leader, or in Aion’s terminology, a Legionmaster: The Legionmaster is always right. Even when you think he is wrong, he is right. Why? Because you put yourself in a situation that means you only have one option; leave. As Redh reminded me when I talked about it afterwards, Guilds are never a democracy and undermining his leadership gave him no choice.

I went back to try RIFT, but honestly it wasn’t my thing. And WoW was only good with someone else, and the challenge wasn’t there. I didn’t return fully until last year when out of the blue I got an email from Redh asking if I wanted to join in preparation for Camelot Unchained.

Fast forward to today (well, a few weeks ago), and Nostrau has put together an awesome recruitment video for our casual, team-building nights while we wait for CU to go live. This post is obviously to put that video out there, and to recommend that if you have any desire to play Camelot Unchained that you at least check out the guild site. But, it’s also as a thank you to them for keeping me afloat recently, and for Redh and Diabolique (had to specify there!) for listening to me and putting up with an emotional mess that just moped on the sofa all day.

Hope when the game drops that I’m worth keeping around. : P

Once More Unto the Breach

So, here we go again on the moving wagon. I mentioned in my last post that I was seeing a flat and that while it was originally thought of as a place for two as opposed to one, I saw it and I still liked it. Of course my parents wanted to see, so they both came along to the second viewing. Learned a few bits in regards to getting my deposit back from my current landlord, and honestly it should be a breeze if everything goes well. I’ve had a couple of viewings in this place and they’ve not gone as well as the letting agency hoped; too small is the consensus, and I agree. It was a great place to get started but I’ve outgrown it. Today I begin packing, and on Friday I pick the keys up.

There’s a lot more to follow up on this time and I’m sure I’ll forget some of it. Utilities, the ever-punctual council tax, all the stuff for my bike (they may cancel my policy again like they did last time when I moved), but I’m also looking at it as finding a happy medium between what I did when I was at home, and what I do now I’m out on my own. I pretty much left my D&D group with very little notice, and while I know Guy will happily put me back in because I tried to help with what knowledge I had, I still feel somewhat guilty for just upping and leaving. There’s that and I need to finish my RC car and actually start racing it. The lack of space here has made building it almost impossible. Couple that with not wanting to damage it and it’s still on the shelving.

This is a way of shedding most memories from living in this place, because honestly a good chunk of them are no longer worth keeping. I have plans to go see part of Europe in a couple of months (give or take), and I need to regain a sense of perspective by the time I return. Call me selfish, but right now, this life is mine and mine to choose whom to share it with. A friend told me that we’ve got eighty or so years on this earth and a good many more buried under it. Time to start making the years count.

Here is Where I Stand

It’s been a long month. A long month. Each and every day has felt almost painfully long. I felt like I had almost lost my job, I’ve had the first full blown anxiety attack in two years, and I may have also lost an opportunity at furthering my career. I feel like I’m lost, and I feel like I’m listing. I feel less like I’m at a crossroads, more that I am adrift in the Dead Sea.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been without a goal. For the last three years or so, my goal was singular and no matter how I drifted from that goal, somewhere deep in my being I kept moving forward with it. I kept pursuing it whether out of stubbornness and refusal to admit defeat, or hope that I’d actually make something of the new life I was striving towards. Those that are near me know what it is, know the ins and outs of it, and know that while I was far from the only one at fault (the other party admits this), I have my own weight to bear in it and bear it I shall.

I’ve kept this whole thing private; I’ve never said anything public to anyone and I am proud of that. Friends that I thought weren’t anymore have come to me and asked me why I didn’t come out swinging like the other person involved, and others have asked what was going on because all they heard was one side of the story. I stayed respectful, and in my opinion, that respect wasn’t returned, and that is the only slight I will give that person. I fully expect her to read this and act as she has done in the past, and in putting this up I expose myself to that. You know what? You kick a man when he’s down and searching for a wall to brace against, what does that make you? I’ve gained friends over this, and the one friendship I thought was at risk I managed to save. No matter how righteously a fire burns, it still warns people to keep their distance. I feel I’m not the one that needs to learn that lesson.

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