Y U STOP WRITING?!

It’s been about three months since I last wrote anything on here publicly. While I do have some things written in Draft form, I either decided they weren’t worth investing any more time in, or they weren’t up to whatever I consider a standard. Whether that is a good or bad thing is up to the people that read(!)

My point is that there are reasons why I stop. I used to write entries twice a week when I was younger, and we’re not talking about LiveJournal or tumblr-esque diatribes that show very little insight on anything but the minutia of one’s day-to-day. It was about serious stuff, and I wrote for several sites as well, all of them gaming enthusiast press sites. I do miss those times, but at the same time I am glad they are behind me.

But more than that, this is me trying to explain my absences in as succinct a manner as I can. If a level of introspection doesn’t interest you, then by all means click elsewhere!

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And So Ends 2017…

…I’m usually fashionably late for these. My job usually doubles the workload during the festive time, so I always end up spending the last few days winding down, and spending time with a controller in my hand as opposed to a keyboard. This year’s end and the first few days of the new year have been particularly taxing, but that’s for another time and a different circumstance; I’m OK. I’m going to have to ask Dad to wear a mask when he’s ill and I’m around next time (joke!), but I’m OK. Just a rough throat, and difficulties speaking above a rasp.

In 2017 I had been trying to undo the damage that I caused the past couple of years since moving out of my parents place. I became insular, and suffered because of it. Put some weight on, let my demons begin to get the better of me (given that I haven’t been on anti-depressants for more than a year), and had neighbour issues that at one point had me feeling like moving out of my current flat and moving back into my old block since one had opened again.

But on the other side of the ledger I’d started rolling back some of those problem behaviours, and my neighbours are no longer there; though they did try to do a metaphorical comeback tour, so to speak. Right now the place is vacant, and from all accounts, heavily damaged.

Let’s take a moment to look at the resolutions I set in 2017, and compare to where I am now.
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“He [is] my friend.”

I’m a part of Cyrus Gaming, in case you didn’t know ([/sarcasm]). We’re a guild that has been around in one form or another since March 2009. I joined on the 4th of October 2009 when I was in Aion, and stayed for almost a year before I learned a hard lesson from Redh, Cyrus’ leader. Long story short, after a while of bouncing back and forth, I came back in 2015 to stay when I finally realised that it was my home when gaming in a group, and nothing I could say or do would change that.

So, when he comes at me a couple of days ago, saying that he’s ‘loving the new [me]’ and that ‘It reminds [him] of the old [me]’, I was taken aback. I didn’t think I’d done anything different than usual. But then I thought about it, and realised I had been doing more, and not thinking about it.

Most of my life in the past couple of years has been passive outside of work, and that might be down to the way I prioritised my life. My life was work because I took pride in it, and thus it was what I wanted to focus on as it was the only part of my life that I did take pride in. And therein lied the problem; I was proud of the work that I had put into something that achieved nothing for me, and everything for someone else. Don’t misunderstand me – I like my work, and I like the people I work with; they’re akin to family to me, and each time one of them moves on I’m happy for them but it’s bittersweet.

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Vroom Vroom…

I know that I haven’t posted anything of meaning in the last couple of weeks, or posted any stream archives in the last week and a half. All I can do is apologise for that, but I also want to talk about what will happen to the archives in future. Foxhole will no longer be archived on Youtube, purely because, in my opinion, there’s no storyline to it bar the setting and precursive history/events. I’m more than happy to keep the videos up on Twitch as long as the system allows me to, but in future, and in the batch of entries I’ll be putting up on here over the weekend, I’ll only be putting up the playthrough videos (i.e. the current playthrough of Vampire: The Masquerade, and Stonekeep). I’ll also be fooling around with the way the streams are put on the website as well; thinking of doing a page per game rather than a page per stream.

But, I wanted to explain why I’ve not been streaming at all since Monday. On Monday, my 2009 Razer Naga died (RIP), and I didn’t get a replacement until the following morning, and then I was experiencing computer issues, somehow getting conflicting drivers crashing the computer with the OS receiving unexpected input from what it thought was the old Naga. Long story short, it’s sorted now.

From Wednesday to Friday I was busy with lessons to pass my motorcycle test and get an ‘A’ or unrestricted licence. Twelve hours altogether, excluding the examination itself and the ride home. I was wary, purely because I didn’t think I was ready. My gear changes were still somewhat jumpy, and my clutch control was sometimes a little off on tighter bends.

I passed, and am now waiting for the DVLA to renew my licence with the new entitlements and remove the restrictions on it. I was aware of the three minor marks that I had, and knew why I got them, but beyond that it was a good ride. I need to lean more, but that’s down to spending five years on a 125cc with tyres that feel like a knife’s edge (in a good way), going up to a 650cc with tyres twice as thick. My plan is to ride my CBR125 until the MOT and tax are due, renew the MOT so it has a full year’s worth, and use the interim to build up funds for a bigger motorcycle. I don’t see the point in transitioning straight away, because I don’t need the power that a larger bike has just yet.

That’s one of my resolutions for this year done. I’m easily on track to pass the other two, so long as I don’t relapse. I think this’ll be the first time since starting this blog that I actually meet and beat all my resolutions.

Feels good, man.

Self-Right the Self-Write

It’s been at least two months since I last posted and I would love to come back and declare that I have been doing so much in terms of career progression and pursuing hobbies that I just haven’t had a spare moment or three to sit down and write about it. That (of course) isn’t the case, and it’s moreso my introversive attitude, and my lack of drive.

I find myself writing more than I should about it; my lack of passion or drive to do things. It must get boring to anyone that actually reads these blog entries to see it constantly referred to. It’s just one of those things that is who I am, and no amount of therapy is going to change that. My passion is in bursts, and if I can’t bury myself in it for long periods of time I don’t progress.

Taking the Youtube video that I made as an example (Patreon Canary), that was a week’s solid work of five or six hours a day, at a time when I should’ve been relaxing. Learning how to use Sony Vegas, scripting, researching, and even capturing footage. I am frankly amazed that people can do that sort of a video in a couple of days, and bow down to their work ethic. I will go back to it eventually, but there are other things on the horizon, which I’ll get back to later.

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